I’m a hooker: Should I tell my boyfriend?

Dr. Gail Saltz TODAY Contributor • Profile • E-mail

Dear Gail: I am a 28-year-old professional at a financial institution who attended an Ivy League school. I have a long-term boyfriend and we talk of marriage often. Everyone would be shocked to learn that I am also a high-priced prostitute, working through “adult classifieds” in a local publication. I travel to the homes or offices of successful gentlemen and perform for money. I do not use my real name.

I began doing this when I was just out of school and between jobs. I can earn between $500 and $2,000 a week. Even though I now have a steady income, I am not able to let go of my "other" profession because I have become accustomed to a lavish lifestyle. And frankly, I sort of enjoy it. My clients treat me well and I love the feeling of power it gives me. Everyone believes that I earn more money than I do. But I am certain I'd be ostracized, if my boyfriend, or employer, ever found out, so why isn’t it easy to stop? — Hooked on Hooking

Dear Hooked: Certainly an intelligent, educated woman with a steady relationship, a job and a bright future, does not, on the surface, have any reason to be a hooker. But something is driving you to engage in this self-destructive behavior. In order to stop, you need to know why you are doing this. As I’ve said before about people with such a secret life, it’s not that you are keeping a secret from your friends and family — you are also keeping a secret from yourself.

Prostitution, as you know, is an extremely risky business. Besides the potential for getting a sexually transmitted disease, you could be thrown in jail, beaten up — or even killed. Even if nothing horrible happens, you could wind up losing your boyfriend and your job. So there must be something pretty powerful going on in your head to keep you in this situation.

Sure, it’s nice to have extra money. But, as a reason for being a prostitute, this sounds defensive. You have a professional job and are not in desperate need. Holding that illusion when there are such incredible risks is your way of avoiding the deeper reasons for your behavior.

I  wonder whether you had a physically or emotionally absent father, or a turbulent relationship with him, which  leads you to seek massive male attention and to try to manipulate men into “wanting” and “loving” you. Prostitution seems to give you a feeling of power, but more specifically it seems to give you a feeling of power over men.

Only on TODAY.MSNBc.com! Dr. Gail Saltz answers your questions about relationships, both romantic and not. LAST WEEK: Notary: Why can’t I sign my own name? ALL RELATIONSHIPS THURSDAY COLUMNS

It’s likely you have a great fear of intimacy in general, and you trade sex for money as a way of avoiding emotional involvement. This includes a lack of intimacy with your boyfriend, who remains distant because so much of your life is concealed from him.

Avoiding commitment is often a way of evading true intimacy. And your ability to have a meaningful intimate relationship with your boyfriend is compromised by being a prostitute. The longer you do it, the harder it is to quit. Sex becomes a means of financial manipulation, not an expression of love.

It sounds as though you are harboring great loathing for yourself, because you are walking a tightrope designed to drop you hard and fast. Very low self-esteem often results in self-sabotaging and self-destructive behaviors.

Dr. Gail’s Bottom Line: Examine your life to determine what secrets you are keeping from yourself so you can move forward without risking your health and your life.

Dr. Gail Saltz is a psychiatrist with New York Presbyterian Hospital and a regular contributor to “Today.” Her latest book is “Anatomy of a Secret Life: The Psychology of Living a Lie,” by Dr. Gail Saltz. She is also the author of "Amazing You! Getting Smart About Your Private Parts," which helps parents deal with preschoolers' questions about sex and reproduction. Her first book, “Becoming Real: Overcoming the Stories We Tell Ourselves That Hold Us Back,” was published in 2004 by Riverhead Books. It is now available in a paperback version. For more information, you can visit her Web site, www.drgailsaltz.com.

MORE FROM RELATIONSHIPS

Relationships Section Front

Money can’t buy love, but personality can Who will be the next Man Panelist?   Bring bliss back to your marriage   Dr. Drew takes on sex addicts Honey, did you hear me? Why men don’t listen This Halloween, explore your fantasies Married woman: I’m attracted to my gay friend   Answering your bed-related questions   Meet the ‘Guys Tell All’ finalists   Too tired for sex? How to change that Relationships Section Front   Add Relationships headlines to your news reader: