She's satisfied, he wants more — and different

Jane Weaver Health editor • Profile • E-mail

Is monogamy hot or not? For many women, the answer is “yeah, baby!”

Women of all ages say they’re enjoying sex with their partner more now than they used to, according to results of the new ELLE/MSNBC.com Sex and Love Survey. For many men, however, giving up the thrill of the chase means giving up some thrills in the bedroom as well.

A record 77,895 adults took the online reader survey over two weeks in February, answering more than two dozen questions about what works and what doesn't in their sex lives. Nine out of 10 reported being in monogamous relationships.

Almost two-thirds of women participants, ranging from ages 18 up to 85, said they are satisfied or very satisfied with their sex life. They feel less sexually inhibited than they did early in their relationship and are having more multiple orgasms.

And despite the cliché of the elusive female Big O, two-thirds of women respondents said they usually or always climax during love-making. Adding to their pleasure, they’re enjoying cuddles and kisses along with plenty of “I love you’s” from their partners, the survey found.

ELLE/MSNBC SURVEY — Total participants: 77,895 — Average age: Women, 34; Men, 40 — Gender: Women, 50%; Men, 50% — Age range: 18-85 — Married: 56% — Length of relationship: Over 1 year, 78%; Less than 1 year, 11% — No current partner: 11% — Heterosexual: 95% — Education: College or post-graduate, 53%

“Women are getting as much sex as they need and they’re getting a lot of emotional satisfaction,” says Janet Lever, a sociologist at California State University at Los Angeles who helped develop the survey and is surprised by how satisfied female respondents said they were. "They’re having sex on their terms, as often as they want, and with fewer inhibitions.”

But while many women are reporting sizzling monogamy, the guys had a more lukewarm response.

Although men and women start with the same level of sexual satisfaction when they begin a relationship, after just a few years men claim to be less content, both physically and emotionally, than they were in the early days.

While 49 percent of men said they're satisfied or very satisfied with their sex life, almost twice as many guys as women reported being very dissatisfied (24 percent vs. 13 percent) with their bedroom activities.

Men were more likely to report less sexual frequency — 73 percent of men said there was more sex in the early days, compared with 65 percent of women.

“Men have a greater preference for different partners and variety,” says Sandra Leiblum, director of the Center for Sexual and Marital Health at the Robert Wood Johnson Medical School in Piscataway, N.J., who was not involved in the survey. “It’s not surprising for men that being in a relationship may get boring. They feel tied down."

There seems to be a failure to communicate. While only 38 percent of women said they think their partner wants sex more often, a whopping 66 percent of men said they do want more (only 25 percent of women report wanting sex more often than their partner).

Part of the problem is that although men want more, the women don't see it. "For most of these women, there is a disconnect between what they want and what their partners want — and what they think their partners want," says Lever.

That disconnect can spell big trouble. Of men who cheated, the two main reasons were wanting more sex and more sexual variety.

Longing for the good old days
Guys also are bummed because they feel sexually unappreciated. Among men, 53 percent said they felt more desired by their partners in the early days of the relationship.

Even when they do make love, 41 percent of men said they wish it lasted longer. More than two-thirds of all participants said the average sex session lasts anywhere from 16 minutes to an hour, but for almost 20 percent making whoopee takes less than 15 minutes.

Men also reported getting more oral sex and having more multiple orgasms per session in the good old days. A third of men said their partner doesn’t like to give oral sex and never or only rarely performs it now.

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