Top editor’s advice? Women can have it all

Silence your inner naysayer
Start telling yourself with 100 percent, rock-solid conviction that you can get to where you want to go. It isn't easy. We all have those nagging doubts, those little voices in our heads that tell us, "You're nuts, you'll never even make it close to the top, you're not worthy."

When those evil whisperers burrow inside your head, stop whatever you're doing, and think for a moment: Who is doing this trash talking? A relentlessly critical, unsupportive teacher; an insecure parent, passing on his or her own self-doubts and insecurities; a lover who can't wait to kick you while you're down? A boss or coworker threatened by your work ethic or your talent? Or is it a nagging, negative inner voice?

Start tuning them out, literally. These are voices you know better than to listen to. Every time the negative voices start up, you have to consciously tell yourself, "No-no-no, I'm not listening; I'm going to think about something else," or turn on the TV, or start reading a book, or do some work, or make a phone call.

It's a very deliberate strategy, like stopping smoking. Every time you think about smoking, you have to do something different to keep your mind off it. In this case, the bad habit you have to break is listening to inner negative voices. After a while, they just stop coming as much. Or you stop listening to them. Or you cut them off faster. Listening to them becomes less a part of your life, and they just fade away.

I have yet to meet a completely secure woman. If a woman is beautiful, with all the money in the world and a gorgeous husband, she has doubts about her intellect, or her professional abilities — or what color shoes she should wear to her best friend's wedding. As they used to say on Saturday Night Live, "It's always something." You are not the perfect woman — the smartest, the funniest, the most successful, the most loved, the best connected, the most beautiful, the most physically fit, the most fashionable. And neither am I.

If you stop facing these troublesome "facts," it's amazing how quickly they lose their hold over you and stop haunting your dreams at night. Once you lay these little devils to rest, you will have removed the biggest roadblock to getting whatever it is you want out of life.

The biggest hurdles you will ever face are the ones you've built up in your own self-critical mind
Granted, some people are born into circumstances of poverty or physical disability that present great challenges; others have faced accidents or illnesses that are no fault of their own. But most of us have no such roadblocks in our way. We have our health and our capacities, so take a moment to thank the Lord for these major gifts, and then get going.

If I've managed to shrug off all kinds of hold-you-back ideas, feelings, and people, then you can, too. If I've opened some tightly closed doors and said, "Hey, I'm coming in," why can't you?

It can help to take out a blank piece of white paper and actually list all your so-called faults and deficiencies, the things you use to keep yourself in check. My whining internal voices often said these things:

"You're not that talented. There must be a lot of other women who really know what they're doing."

"If your ideas are so great, why hasn't someone else thought of them first?"

"No great guy is ever going to fall for you: you're not that special."

List these awful thoughts carefully, then put them in the garbage or in a locked box in the back of the closet, which is exactly where they belong.

Don't be afraid to go for the big job, the big love, the big life
If you are ready to grapple with the negative forces within you, you can banish them, like the self-appointed queen of her kingdom getting rid of unruly subjects. Call me crazy, but I do believe there will be a female president in my lifetime. I believe with equal fervor that women across America, and maybe the world, can achieve great things with a little help — some from others but a great deal from themselves.

I can tell you one thing with absolute certainty: there will be no fairy godmother who appears out of nowhere to place you in a job at the top of the organizational chart; no one to hand you a $20 million-a-picture advance of the sort commanded by Julia Roberts. It would be lovely, yes: who hasn't fantasized about such things?

The reality is that you're going to have to go out and make happiness and success happen for you against all "factual" odds. Over the long haul real hopes and dreams come true for the women who can differentiate between what many people suppose to be true and what they can actually achieve. Once you've compiled the list of noisome negative "facts" and disposed of it, start making a new one, and put this at the top: Why Not?

Say you decide you want to be a pediatric neurosurgeon, so you can save children with brain tumors. For many reasons, including no doubt the number of years required to train in the profession, there happen to be very few female pediatric neurosurgeons. The key to reaching your goal is not necessarily to talk to every expert in the field, many of whom will be discouraging, but to think, "Why not?" and then determine and take the necessary steps.

If someone is going to be the next — or even the first — in a field, why shouldn't it be you? Of course you've got to go through the requisite schooling, but now at least you've given yourself the mental go-ahead, and whether it's because of a deliberate decision, naïveté or both, you're able to block all the nay-saying voices that may be telling you that you can't do this. Now you have the energy and focus to concentrate on achieving your goals.

As you'll see in the examples that follow, if I hadn't been ignorant about the obstacles I'd face, I never would have embarked on my own adventures.

Even if you do know about the obstacles, pretend you don't. Don't face facts!

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