Your kids' constant fighting driving you nuts?

Dr. Ruth Peters TODAY contributor • Profile • E-mail

Today in "Parenting Weekends" we continue a series of excerpts from “Laying Down the Law: The 25 Laws of Parenting to Keep Your Kids on Track, Out of Trouble, and (Pretty Much) Under Control" by “Today” show contributor Dr. Ruth Peters.

Law #20:
Squelch Sibling Squabbles
Yes, it’s normal for siblings to tease, spar, and taunt each other, but it doesn’t mean that they have to do it at your expense. Put a stop to this nonsense immediately by employing my bad points system, as well as teaching your kids how to communicate with civil words, rather than with their fists or verbal barbs.

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Chances are we’ve never met, but I can tell you right now that if you have more than one child in your house, those kids will fight with each other. Sibling rivalry (whether emotional, physical, or verbal) is universal and as old as time. And as most parents report, our kids fight over the dumbest stuff — who gets what (front seat in the car, the largest piece of cake, to sleep on the top bunk) or who did what to who (looked at, ignored, made faces at, burped at, punched, kicked, licked).

Seemingly harmless as the rivalry may begin, small issues have a way of driving parents nuts over the months and years. Researchers actually study this stuff and have found that about 70 to 80 percent of families report some level of physical violence during conflicts between siblings. And that’s not counting the verbal garbage that kids sling at each other (“You’re dumb,” “Hey, ugly,” “Yo, moron”). Why does this happen so frequently?

Over the years I’ve counseled many families enduring sibling battles and have seen five main reasons.

1. Differences. Kids find themselves living with a sibling whose personality traits are so different that they consistently annoy and drive each other to distraction.
2. Boredom. There’s nothing quite like a good bicker or squabble to break up the monotony of a slow summer day.
3. Habit. Cleaning someone’s clock may become second nature if you don’t like a behavior — just clobber the other guy and see what happens. Fighting can become the sport of childhood and many kids don’t care that it bothers their folks.
4. Acceptance. It’s allowed and therefore is encouraged. Mom and Dad either look the other way or are consistently inconsistent in giving out negative consequences for the bickering.
5. Resentment. One kid resents the other’s status of even being a family member. This is generally a child who has difficulty sharing attention, parental involvement, or material objects.

If these sound familiar, join the club. Many parents tell me that if they had one behavior to pick that they could change in their children, it would be sibling battles and rivalry. Take Joel, for example. He’s the single father of Noah and Adam. Joel came to see me about the kids’ constant fighting, bickering, and sibling rivalry. Although Adam is older, larger, and stronger at 11 years of age, 8-year-old Noah has the tongue and wit of a shrew. Even with the age difference, their arguments were fairly evenly matched, with Noah throwing around words and Adam throwing around Noah. Usually the squabbles would end in a draw — Adam’s feelings would be hurt and Noah’s arms bruised. Well, it really wasn’t a draw, as all involved, including Joel, felt badly following a particularly grueling day in the boxing ring. The kids got their verbal and physical licks in, and Joel was left angry, annoyed, and frustrated. It was hard enough raising the kids without the help of their mother (who resided out of state), and he had had it with the senseless bickering.

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Joel told me about their typical fights — almost always beginning over a meaningless act, gesture, or word. One kid would look at the other and smile and that could be enough to provoke a battle. Noah had the annoying habit of humming during meals or car rides, and Adam just couldn’t stand it. He’d punch Noah, which only resulted in a squeal or a punch in return. Joel would threaten to stop the car and return home, or if the ruckus was during dinner, the meal was ruined.

Joel was also concerned that the boys’ sparring meant that they weren’t friends and that they might grow up feeling animosity for each other. He confided to me that he often felt incompetent as a parent when his kids began to fight, as if it was his job to make sure that the guys not only didn’t kill each other but that they actually enjoyed their relationship. As he spoke, I could feel Joel’s pain — as the single most important guiding force in his children’s lives he had taken on the responsibility of making his children get along as well as respect and enjoy each other.

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