Baby gift for the TomKitten? A normal life

Phew!

Now that TomKat has a little TomKitten, little baby Suri, the rest of us can make noise again. If you believe tabloid reports, you would need a week of hardcore auditing just to banish that image of Katie plugged up with an adult pacifier and surrounded by wall hangings exhorting her to keep mum. The notion of giving birth in a quiet, soothing atmosphere is certainly admirable, but if you consider the whirlwind zaniness little TomKitten just entered, this was the last peace and quiet she will ever get.

Welcome to the fishbowl, kiddo.

Let’s face it: having celebrity parents isn’t a good thing at the best of times. Sure, you have the beach house in Malibu, Rodeo Drive as your very own walk-in closet and a nagging curiosity about those poorly dressed, unattractive people who sit in the small seats at the back of an airplane. On the surface it seems like a lifelong conga line, but truth be told, most celebrity kids are a late-night traffic stop away from writing “Mommie Dearest” in a comfortable suite at the Betty Ford Clinic.

We’re rarely surprised anymore by the screaming train wrecks that are kids raised in the celebrity Petri dish of Hollywood. Wacky and troubled are de rigueur among kids growing up in a world where strange is the new normal. The celebrity world is one filled with props — be they stage sets, costumes or relationships. When accessorizing your public image extends to having rosy-cheeked Pottery Barn kids, it’s no wonder the resulting rug rats end up having more issues than the magazine rack at Barnes and Noble.

With this in mind, should we welcome the mini-Mapother to Planet Teegeeack (that’s Earth, for those of you less conversant with TomKat’s beloved religion than they are) or should we observe a moment of silence for yet another celebrity kid doomed to trundle through life with perfect teeth, no pimples and a name ripped from a 1924 gardening catalog?

The other option: Make a bowl of popcorn and pull up a chair while we wait for the show to begin. Because trust me, it already has.

I like the popcorn option.

What now?
The juggernaut that is TomKat faces a busy year, with movie premieres providing a never-ending supply of talk-show couches begging to be jumped, and incessant tabloid whisperings about a rocky relationship prompting gratuitous public displays of affectation.

NBC VIDEO A-list babies April 19: People magazine executive editor Peter Castro talks with Katie Couric about celebrities' babies, including a girl born to Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Today show

The litigious lovers could do a lot better than adding a baby to this mix. Then again, it is Hollywood, and what kid wouldn’t want a flamboyant furniture-hopping 43-year-old dad and a 27-year-old mother best-known for playing the emotional equivalent of a chocolate lava torte on the teen soap opera “Dawson’s Creek”?

For TomKat, the way to happiness has only just opened up. It is a way paved not with purification and spiritual self-awareness, but dirty diapers, midnight feedings, and concern over that nasty funk drifting from the back of the Lexus.

For TomKitten, the way to happiness might be filled with scary things hiding in the closet. To better understand these monsters, a quick peek at the parents is in order.

The Tom half of TomKat is used to the glare of public spectacle and, despite a tendency to play the Generic Tom Cruise Character in most of his movies, he’s been loathe to play a similar role in real life until now. The sole father figure he played on screen in his early career was Lestat in “Interview with the Vampire” — not really a solid PTA-meetings-and-soccer-coaching paternal role model. More recently, Tom’s “War of the Worlds” character suggests he learned a bit about parenting from his time with Nicole and their two adopted children. Should Xenu return, “Worlds” offered an object lesson in how to save the TomKat household.

Slideshow   Holmes sweet Holmes See Katie's rise from "Dawson" pal to Cruise's leading lady. more photos

The Kat half of TomKat is a completely different story. Katie is a new mother, a bright-faced Midwest girl from Toledo, Ohio, (previously known as the hometown of “M.A.S.H.’s” Jamie Farr and Daws Butler, the voice of Yogi Bear). It’s hard to gauge how Katie will parent, given her slim acting résumé. The Joey Potter from “Dawson’s Creek” would start off brash, but as soon as she got home, beyond the paparazzi flashbulbs, she’d be calling up Brooke Shields for a little pharmaceutically enhanced advice. “Teaching Mrs. Tingle” suggests Katie will not be on anyone’s short list for PTA membership, and the little TomKitten would be well-advised to get a bed without a headboard. Beyond that, the Holmes acting references dive quickly to “Muppets in Space” and “Batman Begins,” hardly Dr. Spock material.

Perhaps TomKat would appreciate a few parenting suggestions?

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