Can my little boy invite a girl for a sleepover?

Too old for night fears?
I remember when my son, who bravely (on hindsight impulsively) would wake up in the middle of the night at age three, and I’d hear the television on with the kiddo watching his favorite VCR tape! Alone. In the dark. Oblivious to the creepy night noises that pervade all houses when mom and dad go to bed. I thought it was kind of weird, but he’d watch for a while and head back to bed… alone… in his own bedroom. And then it happened — at about the age of four, he finally figured out that the dark is SCARY, that his bedroom was FRIGHTENING, and that only his sister’s room or his folks’ bed would save him from the monster in the closet. In other words, the kid finally got it — you’re supposed to be afraid of the dark when you’re a child, especially when you’re alone! No more midnight video watching for him.

If he woke up (we insisted that he went to bed in his own bedroom), he was allowed to come into another bedroom (dragging a blanket and a pillow), and sleep on the carpet. Sure, he got stepped on occasionally, but it was his responsibility to pick a safer place to plop down. As long as he didn’t wake anyone up (which meant staying out of the bed), the security of his sister’s or parents’ presence allowed everyone to get a good night’s sleep. This occurred occasionally until he was 11 or 12.  So, if your child is afraid of the night, consider a compromise. Forget that parenting books insist that he or she sleep in their own bed. Who cares? Too soon he may not even want you hanging around in his bedroom and you’ll long for the closeness. Trust me; he won’t go off to college still needing his folks to sleep with. So relax and respect his security needs… and get some sleep yourself!

Should bed-wetters be discouraged from sleepovers?
Lots of kids are still incontinent throughout the night even through the elementary school years. It’s usually a genetic condition — grandma will note that either mom or dad wet the bed until the fourth or fifth grade and can remember the embarrassment and limitations endured. So is it appropriate to encourage or allow sleepovers if your child still wets the bed?

Kids with this problem whom I’ve interviewed differ in their thoughts. The socialites so enjoy sleepovers that they are willing to pack a pull-up in their overnight bag and surreptitiously wear it beneath their jammies. They can discreetly remove it in the bathroom in the morning, put it in a plastic zip bag, and pack it with their other stuff. If their friend is aware of the problem it’s usually a non-issue, but one that isn’t to be shared if other friends are also spending the night. Other children, more sensitive to the potential for embarrassment, refuse to sleep out, insisting on friends spending the night at their own home.  If the plastic sheet on the bed is fodder for embarrassment, the kids usually stay on sleeping bags in the family room, watching TV or playing video games.

The point is that sleepovers are a normal, fun, bonding experience that most children enjoy. Bed-wetting shouldn’t be an obstacle at any age. If your child truly wants to experience this kind of fun, then help accommodate his or her needs. Practice with various types of pull-ups to assure that the urine is adequately contained. Don’t force your child to sleep over others’ homes, or shame him into feeling “different” if he’s afraid to do so. Work with the kid—if he’s more comfortable having others in his own home so that he can change his pajamas or underwear discreetly respect his desires. Urinary incontinence is usually outgrown by the end of the middle school years. Your pediatrician can offer specific training techniques, or perhaps medication, that may also be helpful.

Discipline in public?
Call me crazy, but I respect a parent who disciplines her child in public, rather than ignoring the rude or inappropriate behavior. Watching a mom or dad placing a five-year-old in time-out in the department store (even if the kid is fussing or crying) warms my heart! This shows parental guts and a determination to reinforce the idea that consequences occur regardless of where the meltdown happens.

Of course, the discipline would be inappropriate at the table in the middle of the restaurant, especially if the kid is pulling the mother-of-all-meltdowns. She doesn’t need the audience, and the rest of us really don’t need to hear the wailing because she was denied dessert and dad is sticking to his guns. Take the kid to the bathroom and stand her in the corner with your back to her. Or, leave the restaurant for a few minutes and put her in the car seat. Sit in the car, but don’t talk with her. Let her be bored, miss the fun at the table, and perhaps consider not throwing crackers at her brother the next time she’s told to knock it off. The important thing is to reinforce that you will provide discipline even in public places. It’s not only appropriate to do so, regardless of the age of the child, but necessary in your attempt to raise good kids. Older children can lose home privileges (electronics time, bed time) for acting up in public as well. Once your children accept that you will handle, not ignore, the situation you’ll see better cooperation and compliance when in public.

Dr. Peters is a clinical psychologist and regular contributor to “Today.” For more information you can visit her Web site at www.ruthpeters.com. Copyright ©2006 by Ruth A. Peters, Ph.D. All rights reserved.

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