Airline coffee: a bitter cup, indeed

1. Skip the cart. Don’t drink the coffee from the beverage cart. By the time it gets to you, the coffee is either cold or stale, and it’s probably decaffeinated anyway.

2. Make inquiries. Politely ask the flight attendant’s opinion of the coffee. If he frowns, take the hint. Sometimes he’ll come back with a fresh pot for you later.

3. Take a stand. Get up and take a walk to the back of the airplane after the beverage service, and ask for a cup of coffee. The flight attendants will have time to brew it and you can see that the coffee is fresh.

4. Tell a fib. If you need a caffeine dose and you are in doubt as to what is being served, tell the flight attendant that you can’t drink decaffeinated coffee, and you will get the right stuff.

5. Have some taste. If you don’t take your coffee black, you might want to bring a favorite flavored creamer with you. Most of the time, the airlines have only ice-cold 2% milk to offer.

6. Splurge. Buy a cup of coffee before you get on the airplane, especially if it’s early morning. Your first cup of the day should be the best — and exactly the way you want it.

7. Spice it up. Add some Irish Cream to your coffee. I’ve never had a bad Bailey’s Coffee. If you want to skip the booze, there is a non-alcoholic flavored Bailey’s creamer.

8. Drink tea. There aren’t many ways to foul up a cup of tea.

One more tip. When the flight attendant asks you how you take your coffee, skip the jokes. We have heard almost every one of them (and let me tell you, some of them are quite crude).

While I am complaining about coffee matters, whatever happened to the “drip line” at coffee stands? You know: one line for specialty coffees and another (much faster) line for straight java. Believe it or not, there are folks who just want a plain cup of coffee and not some flaming macchiato nonfat cinnamon decaf latte with extra foam. I’m one of those simple people, and I have to wait forever in the long line just to tell the coffee “barista” that I am a drip, and boy, do I feel like one by that time.

I used to be hooked on coffee. It was what I looked forward to most in the morning. I couldn’t imagine my life without coffee until I became seriously ill from something I had eaten in South America. The doctor told me that I had to take three months off from alcohol (“Easy,” I mused), fatty foods (“Piece of cake”), and caffeine (“Oh no, he couldn’t mean … coffee!”) — especially coffee.

Well, after three days of “venti” sized headaches, I broke the caffeine addiction and turned into one of those decaf freaks that I used to make fun of. Ah, how the coffee table has turned.

What airline has the best coffee? Which has the worst? Let me know what you think in Tripso’s online coffee poll.

James Wysong has worked as a flight attendant with two major international carriers during the past fifteen years. He is the author of the "The Plane Truth: Shift Happens at 35,000 Feet" and "The Air Traveler's Survival Guide." For more information about James or his books, please visit his website or e-mail him. Want to sound off about one of his columns? Try visiting Wysong's forum.

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