What Brangelina baby?

Well, now they’ve got three children — but no marriage. Didn’t She say something about how She’d never marry a Hollywood actor? Well, of course She’s the marriage expert — having been divorced twice. What was that thing the last husband, Billy Bob Thornton, said in Esquire? Something about how sex with “the ‘sexiest person in the world,’ it may be literally like” you know, having sex with “the couch?” Didn’t She adopt that first one during their divorce?

Now that the Most Beautiful Baby of the Most Beautiful Family is here, those two are going to be quite surprised to find that actually having a kid is quite different from adopting one. At least they can use that $3 million they’ll probably get from the first pictures of the Most Beautiful Baby to feed an entire continent of starving orphans.

Don’t misunderstand. I’m not bitter. Why would I be bitter about children? I love children. I want children. You know, like quote from the December 2005 Vanity Fair cover story: “I did, and I do, and I will have children!” Well, even if you missed the magazine, everyone keeps quoting from it. “Entertainment Tonight,” “Access Hollywood,” the Enquirer — it’s like they can’t help themselves.

Oh! And did you catch the GQ cover story where a certain wronged party was named Woman of the Year? The very first GQ Woman of the Year, I might add. And a very fetching topless cover photo to go with the prestigious title as well. You know, GQ Men of the Year don’t get to pose topless in cutoff shorts. So, ha.

PBS not enough safe from Pitt
Yes, I know I said I don’t pay attention to the magazines. And I don’t, I really don’t. But one can’t help but see what’s on the rack when buying cigarettes, or flipping past channels to find PBS, can one? Not that PBS is even safe anymore.

I suppose you heard, Brad narrated that series on global health. Well, I suppose you’ve got to do that sort of thing when you’re paramour to Goodwill Ambassador for the United Nations High Commission for Refugees. That and bleach your hair. “Billy Idol called, he wants his look back.” Ha! Remember that quote from Vanity Fair? I guess he got it back too, because Brad got that bad brunette dye job. What’s that about?

Maybe the blonde ’do frightened her kids. I’m sorry … their kids. I mean, Brad did legally adopt little Whatsit and Whosit. And they did get the names changed to Whatsit and Whosit Jolie-Pitt or something. And Brad did fly to Ethiopia to help pick out — I’m sorry — pick up the new one.

Darn! I promised myself I wasn’t going to go there — the ugly place. Really, adoption is wonderful. And it’s wonderful that She’s adopting all those poor international children. And I heard She wants to adopt more. Just like Mia Farrow. Which I guess makes Brad Woody Allen. And who knows? Maybe some day when those naturally pouty lips start to sag, She’ll adopt a little Soon-Yi. And they can all live … Happily. Ever. After. The heart wants what it wants!

Darn! Darn! There I go again! Really, I’m not like that. I’m not! I would never say anything bad about children. I myself planned on spending the last year pregnant. Obviously, that’s not going to happen now. Not right away, anyway. But in the next five years, I’m sure of it! Because I still believe in love.

Helen A.S. Popkin does not claim affiliation with either Team Aniston or Team Jolie. Though, she does wear her “Free Winona” t-shirt when she cleans the oven.

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