What Brangelina baby?

I’m sorry, what? Who just had a baby? Who? Oooohhh … them.  Are they even still together? To be perfectly honest, I’ve stopped paying attention to that ... sort … of … thing. I’ve been sooooooo busy! You know, working, yoga … other things. You know, stuff.

So haven't gotten married yet, those two … what is it the tabloids call them? Brangelina? I guess that makes the baby … well, you know. Not that it matters, of course! That’s the thing now, isn’t it? Look at TomKat. I mean, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. They’re not married either (and from what I hear, they never will be).

Not that I pay attention to American media … so toxic. Of course, I did hear about the latest Gallup Poll. That’s right, ol’ Jen is still favored more highly by the American public than Team Brangelina.

Not that it matters, mind you. There’s so many important things going on in the world you never hear about. There’s no time to think about such silliness when I just don’t know how we’re going to get our troops out of … that place where our troops are.

Speaking of unknown places on the globe, where exactly did this prestigious birth take place? Namibia? I can really understand why Jane — you know, Brad’s mom — is so upset. It’s her grandchild. She has a right to be in the same continent as her grandchild. Am I right?

You know who I also hear is upset? George Clooney. That’s right, bestest pals George and Brad are having a tiff. Something about Brad delaying “Oceans 13,” waiting for that baby to pop out. Filming is supposed to start, like, any day, and there he is, in Africa, jerking George around.

Maybe it’s just as well if “Oceans 13” doesn’t get made. Personally I’m not one for sequels. Oh, apparently there’s going to be a “Mr. & Mrs. Smith II.” Me, I prefer original screenplays. They’re much more … honest. They don’t belong to somebody — or something — else. Original movies like “Derailed,” “Rumor Has It ” and of course, “The Break Up” do gangbusters at the box office.

You know who co-stars in “The Break Up”? Vince Vaughn. He is such a sweetie. A true, honest, loyal … friend. A good, good friend. And oh! So much fun! The perfect guy to hang out with in Vegas, a real Swinger! Ha!

Did you see Vince on Oprah? Much classier than jumping on a couch (or cheating on your wife). Vince was all, “Jennifer’s great. She’s one of my favorite people” and “She’s just really smart and funny and easy to be with — very considerate.” And did you hear him say how he’d like to have kids someday? He told Oprah, “I have not talked about having kids with Jennifer. First we have to have the $8 million wedding,” Oprah was rumored to host. But he also said he’d like to start a family “at some point.” So see, he wants kids too … at some point.

Say, I wonder if Vince got a birth announcement. I mean, he was in “Mr. & Mrs Smith,” too. And that is where They fell in love, isn’t it? Not that They did anything about it, of course. I mean, like the official separation announcement said, “For those who follow these sorts of things, we would like to explain that our separation is not the result of any speculation reported by the tabloid media. This decision is the result of much thoughtful consideration.”

Of course, They didn’t waste anytime did they? The ink wasn’t even dry on the divorce papers and there She was, with Her perfect little baby bump.

Anyway, good for them, I guess. I know children are so very important to them. Just have a look at that “W” photo spread Brad “conceived” where She and Brad appear as the perfect middle-class ’60s couple with three perfect little children.

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