Is S&M sex with my husband kinky?

Dr. Gail Saltz TODAY Contributor • Profile • E-mail

Q. Recently, I discovered a side of myself I never knew existed: submission. My husband and I have begun to live a dominant-submissive lifestyle. We have educated ourselves on the topic and are very respectful to one another. This is voluntary submission on my part and should not in any way be confused with domestic violence.

I am a professional businesswoman, have been married 10 years, and have three children. But as far as submission goes, I find satisfaction waiting on my husband, whom I do consider my master. I enjoy being punished (not violently) and serving him. I have never felt more "normal" in my life. But I am extremely aware of society's views about "kinky" relationships. Do I have a mental defect because I live — and enjoy — a lifestyle that most people would probably find repulsive?

A. As long as there is no physical injury involved, and as long as you are not letting this dominant-submissive behavior pattern spill into your relationship outside the bedroom, I say this is perfectly fine. It is not unusual for people to have sadomasochistic fantasies. Women often have fantasies of being raped or forced to have sex against their will. Not everyone enjoys acting out these fantasies. For some people, though, it is highly erotic to enact a fantasy involving dominance, submission, sadism, or masochism. It is not a mental illness.

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If no one gets hurt, there is no problem. However, if someone is forcing this role-playing upon a partner who doesn’t want to engage in it, or if it leads to physical injury, then it is a problem. It can also be a problem if you are sexually aroused ONLY playing submissive and dominant roles, or if you are so obsessed with this activity that you think about nothing else. In that case, it could a perversion. If your relationship moves in either of these directions, beware.

But you are not describing that kind of relationship. So have fun. You are lucky that you and your husband speak the same language when it comes to this kind of playacting.

An important issue, however, is your children. Information about your sex life — even if you have the blandest sex in the world — is not appropriate to share with your children. You should be entirely discreet, not because of your sexual practices, but because knowledge of your sex life can overstimulate your children’s imaginations. Don’t leave sexual accoutrements around the house, and don’t have sex with your bedroom door unlocked. You don’t want to take the risk that your children will see or hear your activities.

There is another potential problem. If you and your husband relate to each other in a submissive and dominant way in your daily life, then your children may identify with this type of behavior. A daughter may feel that women are expected to be submissive to men. A son, on the other hand, may believe that men should dominate women. In the real world, servants and masters are not great role models.

Dr. Gail’s Bottom Line: It’s perfectly fine for a couple to be sexually excited by dominant and submissive roles and to enjoy this as part of their sex life, but I caution you to keep this behind closed doors.

Dr. Gail Saltz is a psychiatrist with New York Presbyterian Hospital and a regular contributor to “Today.” Her latest book, "Amazing You! Getting Smart About Your Private Parts" (Penguin), helps parents deal with preschoolers' questions about sex and reproduction. Her first book, “Becoming Real: Overcoming the Stories We Tell Ourselves That Hold Us Back,” was published in 2004 by Riverhead Books. It is now available in a paperback version. For more information, you can visit her Web site, www.drgailsaltz.com.

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