Most important ‘Idol’ judge? It’s Paula Abdul

On a recent “American Idol 5” performance show, host Ryan Seacrest asked judge Paula Abdul to compare this year's finalists to past groups.

Here’s what she said: “Ryan, I think that this is the most unique, well-diverse, most-talented and most talked about top 12 that we’ve ever had. There’s not a day that people don’t come up to me and everyone has different favorites, so it’s anyone’s game, and it’s exciting as can be.”

Paula said 50 words, but she actually said not much at all. In Paula’s universe, stating the obvious incoherently qualifies as answering a question that demands subjective, critical analysis. This isn’t really a surprise, as she does this all the time.

A few weeks ago, Ryan asked her why the show is more popular this year. Paula said, “I think we’ve a gained a larger audience.” Yes, Paula, that is the definition of “more popular.”

In fact, Paula Abdul rarely answers the question just as she rarely offers a negative critique of a performance. If she does offer some kind of criticism, she buries those comments inside so many layers of fluff and drivel that it requires detailed analysis just to figure out what she really said. After she’s done, she claps her palms together as if her nails were drying, or as if she were a seal still learning how to perform. It’s absolutely maddening. Based on her lack of actual judging, she’s not even fit to be a judge.

Except Paula Abdul is the most important judge “American Idol” has.

Puppies kittens sunshine happiness
When judging the contestants’ performances, Simon Cowell basically says something like, “You really sucked just then, mate” while Paula tends to say, “Puppies kittens bunnies teddy bears not the best song choice for me but that’s okay, sweetie, sunshine happiness flowers.”

Last week, she told Melissa McGhee, the first person eliminated from the top 12, “You should wear dresses more often. You look absolutely beautiful. So you messed up the lyric — ‘recognition’ instead of ‘premonition.’ But do you want to know something? When you open up your mouth to sing, there’s something very, very soothing about your voice, and it’s like a breath of fresh air, and it’s like, ahh, I love that voice, and it’s different from any other voice in the competition, so keep on going. I think you did a really nice job.”

Earlier, she told Ace Young, “What I love about you is your spirit, you put everything into it; you even had some cool dance moves in there. And you entertained everyone, it was a great job.”

Paula basically offers most contestants a variation on these lines, which are mostly just empty compliments. A few weeks ago, she told the now-eliminated David Radford, “It wasn’t my favorite song choice, but I still think you were true to who you are, and that’s what’s important in this competition.”

Of course, that makes little sense (is it even possible to not be “true to who you are”?), but her statement encapsulates what Paula — and the voting audience — think is the best criteria to use in making judgments.

The insufferable studio audience nearly always erupts into applause after Paula says something inconsequential, and then obnoxiously boos Simon for being honest. He never softens his responses the way Paula does, and they hate him for it.

The audience boos Simon because many of its members do not want to be reminded that this competition is supposed to be about talent. They’d rather feel good about their favorites even when their favorites screw up. And that’s why they love Paula, and that’s why she’s so vital: because she reminds the world how “Idol” voters are making decisions.

“America,” or at least the legions of teens and others who bother to vote after the performance show airs, does not decide to vote for someone based upon talent alone. Sometimes bad performers stick around (John Stevens, from season three) while performers who are good go home (Jennifer Hudson, who was eliminated even when Stevens said “it should have been me”).

On some level, this makes perfect sense. A few weeks ago, Simon Cowell said the show and the judges “have now trained the American audience to be good music critics.” That was perhaps his biggest fib ever; most audience members have no idea what constitutes good or bad singing. When Randy says something is “pitchy,” it means nothing except to those who have had some kind of musical training.

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