Kids out of control? Time to be a dictator!

What I taught the parents was that they had unintentionally given up the reins of power and control to their daughter. Sure, they meant well and felt that caving in was showing Alisa how much they loved and cared for her. However, the damage that was being done was tremendous. Kids need to learn boundaries and how to accept them gracefully. They should understand that their parents and teachers will listen to the kids’ wants and desires, but the adults are in charge and generally get to call the final shots. Families where the child is given the final vote are usually chaotic. Children are too impulsive and inexperienced to handle that. Sure, their desires need to be heard, but the adults have the responsibility and the job of making the final decision.

Having to live within parental guidelines or learning to “take no for an answer” may not be fun, but it is imperative that this process occur during childhood. Kids raised in child-run autocracies such as Alisa’s never quite learn the self-discipline necessary to get along well with others socially or on the job later as adults. Child-run families produce bratty, demanding children with parents who are held hostage to their child’s next command or tantrum.

Parenting by democracy, where the child has an equal vote, only works well when the kid is mature, can view and understand others’ perspectives, and is capable of planning ahead in an organized fashion. Alisa was clearly not a candidate for a democratic household. In a democracy the family members have an equal vote, and as long as they’re all on the same page of the book, things seem to go along well. However, when the constituency (the kids) feels differently than do the officials (the parents), all heck can break loose. Arguing and trying to prove points take precedence over decision making, and chaos often results. When parents abdicate control to the children, when they put them on equal footing in terms of voting or veto power, no one seems to be satisfied.

Compassionate, but Still in Charge
And that’s where the benevolent dictator style of parenting comes in. Benevolent means kind, caring, and compassionate, and dictator refers to the parent having the final vote. In a benevolent-dictatorship family all of the members have a vote (but not necessarily an equal vote), and at times the parents will yield to the kids’ wishes if they are reasonable. But if a compromise cannot be reached, that’s when Mom or Dad takes charge, closes the discussion, and makes the final decision. If the kids understand that this is the way that the family is run, they will accept and respect the process. Sure, there will be some grumping and “it’s not fair” statements. Well, maybe it isn’t always fair, but the adults have the ultimate responsibility for the safety and welfare of the children and therefore the responsibility of calling the final shots.

It took several sessions, but Yvonne, William, and Alisa were able to begin their new life as a benevolent-dictatorship family. The souped-up minivan remained, but Alisa learned to ask rather than to demand and to finally take “no” for an answer. Sure, she was not pleased with the changes in the family’s power dynamics, but she grew to be a better person because of it. Not only did her parents feel more comfortable with her demeanor but so did her teacher, who reported that she was much less fussy and more of a team player at school.

Once in a while I’ll see a family in therapy who has already established a benevolent dictatorship. Marcus’s family was a good example of this. This 12-year-old delighted in describing his parents’ crimes to me — how Mom was big on saying “because I said so” and how his father, Mario, always seemed to have the final vote on just about everything. If one were to hear only Marcus’s side, it would appear that what he wanted mattered little to his parents.

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