Live blogging the Oscars

6:15ish PST
Everyone's well-behaved; everyone's dressed more or less safely; I'm falling asleep.

Lauren Bacall comes out, slowly, slowly, dismissive of the applause, like, "Yeah, yeah, whatever." She seems to be having trouble reading the teleprompter. Ms. Bacall, you gotta show up for rehearsal...

"THAT WOMAN BACALL" is presenting a tribute to Film Noir. Because this was such a big year for Noir.

Then it's a “Daily Show” bit about best actress nominees and smear campaigns.

Terrence Howard presents for documentary short. All of them are about war. “A Note of Triumph: The Golden Age of Norman Corwin” wins.

Here comes Charlize again! I'm obsessed with that dress. It's going to fly off with her in it. She's presenting the best doc for “March of The Penguins.” Oh good, here come the winners all holding giant stuffed penguins. I think every winner should be assigned a stuffed animal now.

Cut to Morgan Freeman, narrator. Standing behind him is J.Lo. She's busy making people cry.

Then she comes out in a stunning dress to introduce whoever it is that wrote that awful “Crash” song.

And it's interpretive DANCE!! Slow motion pantomime! Cars burning!

Cirque du So-Scared...

6:30 p.m. PST
Here come Sandy B and Keanu R, who are two of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, to present for art direction. I was really rooting for “The Devil's Rejects” in this category but, again, I never get what I want. “Geisha” wins. Whatever.

Sam Jackson, star of “Snakes On A Plane,” the one movie I am sincerely dying to see in 2006, is wearing a brooch. Sam Jackson presents a clip reel of movies that changed social views and...uh... I don't know. Meaningful bummers, except for “9 to 5,” the only comedy that ever taught anyone anything. But wait. Why is one of them “Day After Tomorrow”? Why is another one “Something's Gotta Give”? Why is one of them “Driving Miss Daisy”?

6:41ish PST
The president of the Academy is here to go blahblahblah. Cut to the bored audience. This is a bewildered bunch of cats. Jon Stewart makes a joke and they don't know if they can laugh or not. Judi Dench is about to whip out the heat she's packing to take this boring dude out. Cut to Mickey Rooney, the 10,000 year old man, who thinks he's at a funeral.

Thank GOD Salma Hayek comes out to wake it up. You can hear the drums going buh-buh-BOOM-buh-buh-buh-BOOM when she walks out on stage. Best score time. Itzhak Perlman violins the hell out of all these moving pieces of inspiring examples of fine musical backup that you will never remember after tonight. My friend Shannon keeps me entertained by telling me that she parks right behind Jake Gyllenhaal every day on the Warner Lot. She says he drives a silver Benzo. Salma introduces the nominees and gently touches herself while doing it. She must have seen herself in the monitor. If I was a chick and looked like her I'd feel myself up too.

“Brokeback Mountain” wins. I still can't remember what that music sounds like.

7:00 p.m. PST
Here comes Shannon's Best Friend Jake Gyllenhaal, looking adorable, wearing David Niven's bowtie from 1971. And here come more clips. This time it's MOVIES THAT NEED TO BE SEEN ON A BIG SCREEN AND OH GOD PLEASE AMERICA START GOING BACK TO THE MOVIES AND BRING OUR GROSSES BACK UP TO NORMAL BECAUSE WE ALL NEED TO BUY GIANT MANSIONS. IT HURTS US TO BE POOR MORE THAN IT HURTS YOU. YOU NEVER KNEW WHAT IT WAS LIKE TO BE RICH AND THEN LOSE IT. IT SUCKS! AUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!

7:15 p.m. PST
Time for sound mixing award, presented by Jessica Alba, who was Honey Daniels in one of my all-time favorite movies, “Honey” and Eric Bana, who was in this awesome Australian movie called “Chopper” where he was about 30 pounds beefier and had a million super hot trashy prison tattoos and a killer fu-stache and...uh... I forget what award this is. Oh yes, sound. They read stuff over the clips so you can't hear the sound of the nominees. “King Kong” wins.

Lily Tomlin and Meryl Streep present a Lifetime Achievement Award to Robert Altman. I like them doing the Altman talk-over-each-other dialogue. Cut to Who Gets It In the Audience. Jennifer Aniston is laughing a lot because She Does. Michelle Williams seems confused.

Anyway, this is his We're Sorry We've Snubbed You All These Years And Given Best Director Oscars To Effing Mel Gibson and Kevin Costner Instead Award. Cut to Ziyi Zhang, who thinks Santa Claus is being given an Oscar. He's a dude and most of these phonies aren't fit to carry his luggage.

It's time for the M. Night Shyamalan American Express commercial. He has no pre-set spending limit.

7:35 p.m. PST
Jennifer Garner slips and our party replays her moment, in slow motion, four times with our awesome TiVo remote. Then she presents the award for best sound editing to “King Kong.” Yawn.

George Clooney, The New King of Show Business, presents Who's Dead...

I love Shelly Winters the most because “The Poseidon Adventure” is my all-time favorite movie. I used to hang out at her favorite diner in L.A. just to get a glimpse of her. Then one day I did and I never had to eat there again after that, which is good because the food was awful. I will also miss Arnold from “Happy Days.”

7:45 p.m. PST
Will Smith, who is absolutely not funny, but who gots jokes all the same, is here to present the award for best foreign film. They wanted someone who had never seen a foreign film to present this one.

“Tsotsi” wins. I saw that one. It's like “Three Men and A Baby” but in not-English.

Ziyi Zhang presents for Editing. “Crash” wins. I feel a thousand needles stabbing me in the eyes. Have I mentioned lately in this blog that I hate this stupid movie? That it's the worst of the nominated films? Did I say that yet? Is Roger Ebert reading this? I hope so. He loves “Crash” and super-harshed on me in one of his columns a while back, singling me out by name. Well guess what Rog? It's still awful and you're still wrong.

7:50 p.m. PST
Hilary Swank comes out looking more ladylike than she's ever been in maybe her whole life. It's best actor time. I want Heath. And no it's not because I'm a gay. Joaquin Phoenix mouths the words "I love you" to someone when the camera hits him. Then Philip Seymour Hoffman wins. Yesterday he won the same award at the Independent Spirit Awards. He had a beard then. He shaved since then.

It's cool that he won, because usually schlubs like him don't get to be best actor winners. I ain't mad at him. I still dig Heath more though.

Then they show a “Brokeback Mountain” clip, the one where Heath goes, "This thing gets ahold of us.... and we're dead."

One of the gays at the party goes, "Is he saying, 'Miss Thing?'"

7:55 p.m. PST
Ew, it's John Travolta and his freaky hair talking about DPs. Then that piece of crap “Memoirs of a Geisha,” which JT pronounces as "Mawmwahrs," wins for cinematography when “The New World,” Terence Malick's masterpiece, should have won instead. John Travolta is grinning for an unknown reason.

Jamie Foxx comes out to present for best actress. Reese Witherspoon wins! This makes me happy. I dig her a lot, even in that terrible movie where Mark Ruffalo was in love with Coma Her. She's going to be impossible to live with now. Get ready Phillippe.

8:05 p.m. PST
Please shop at the new youthful glam rock JC Penney, won't you?

8:10 p.m. PST
Dustin Hoffman comes out to present best adapted screenplay. Coolest old codger ever, Larry McMurtry, and blonde bombshell Diana Ossana, win for “Brokeback Mountain.” Diana Ossana has to squat to accept her award because Hoffman is 5-foot nothing on a good day.

Uma Thurman is up next to present for best original screenplay. Bobby Moresco and Paul Haggis accept the award for their simple-minded approach to race relations. They thank Bertolt Brecht.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!

8:15 p.m. PST
Tom Hanks is back for best director. God I'm sleepy. Ang Lee wins.

NOOOOO!!!! He did NOT just say, "I wish I knew how to quit you." But he did thank me, though, one of the "gay mens" (sic), so that's nice. Then he says, "It's hard out here for pimp" in Mandarin.

8:25 p.m. PST
Jack's here to present for best picture. I'm not shocked that “Crash” wins. Welcome to the People's Choice Awards folks! From now on only heavy-handed, didactic, lunkheaded lowest common denominator nonsense is allowed to win. The beginning of a new era!

I've been drinking Coke all night to stay awake for this thing. Now I need a beer. And to see “Freddy Got Fingered” again to cleanse my palette.

Dave White is the author of the forthcoming “Exile in Guyville.” He blogs at www.livejournal.com/users/djmrswhite

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