Live blogging the Oscars

5:16 p.m. PST
The opening is a video game where you get points for blasting away as many iconic film characters as possible. Look, there goes “Blue Thunder”!

We're hip this year. I think THAT's the theme. But the opening with Jon Stewart in bed with George Clooney intro has convinced the entire house party of homosexuals that Gay is Dead. Oh wait, Stewart says the theme is a Return to Glamour. Now Gay really is Dead.

A cut to Charlize Theron who has apparently just come from Alabama with a banjo on her shoulder.

Stewart's monologue comes complete with a racy coda of clips full of homoerotic moments from classic westerns. I can feel the ire of a million conservative gay-haters boiling up through the wheatfields of this great land.

5:20 p.m. PST
Best supporting actor. I want Hurt to win. I want “Crash” to get nothing. It's the worst of the nominated movies. Giamatti's cool though. And he was great at playing that turtle you have to draw to get into art school.

Clooney's the winner, though, because he's quippy everywhere he goes. And he got fat. Which is unthinkable to most people in Hollywood. So this is an achievement, acting while fat. Oh good he's getting political. I love it when liberals get wild. Okay he can live.

5:25 p.m. PST
Matt Dillon is sitting behind Charlize Theron and he thinks the best supporting actor award is still happening because he can't see anything.

Now a clip with Tom Hanks spoofing the way that music interrupts everyone's speeches now. It's a despicable practice that aborts the possibility of actorly looniness. So Tom, along with John Travolta's hair, are making sport of it.

Best visual effects aka Nerd Corner: I liked “War of the Worlds.” But “King Kong” got it. Okay I liked “Kong” too. Especially the dinosaur fighting stuff. And the head-eating parts. And the soft comfy seats at the Arclight because it was nine hours long.

Reese Witherspoon comes out to present for best animated feature. She looks purdy in that June Carter-ish dress. Some gay to my left is dissing Miyazaki and I'm gonna have to gay-bash him for that. But I liked “Wallace & Gromit: Curse of the Were-Rabbit” best anyway.

Yeah, Nick Park and some other dude in a giant watersquirting bowtie won! I wonder if they spin too.

5:38 p.m. PST
Naomi Watts's Givenchy dress is going to be hated tomorrow. But again, it looks awesome. Everyone but me is wrong.

Time for Dolly to sing! The whole room agrees that Lips are NOT over yet. She's singing "Travelin' Thru (Low Hangers)"

5:39 p.m. PST
Dolly's pantsuit is something she found in a dressing room at the Kodak left over from the Clay Aiken Christmas concert.

5:45 p.m. PST
A clip from “Munich” is shown. The one where they last-minute stop a bombing to save a little girl's life. Because Israel would NEVER bomb an innocent Palestinian child.

Then a bunch of commercials

Jon Stewart makes an AWESOME Scientology joke, right before insulting the Baldwins. Here come the Wilson brothers, who love blush, to present for live action short. I want them all to win. But only one can. “Six Shooter” wins. I need a bathroom break.

Oh good, I've picked a perfect time to use the bathroom. I hate it when they do animated presenters. But the “Chicken Little” characters present for best animated short and their monologue is funnier than all 80 minutes of “Chicken Little.”

“The Moon and The Son” wins and — oh wait, here's Jennifer Aniston.

I hope she's okay. Is she okay? I mean, I'm on Team Jolie but I feel like she's just so.... fragile... right now. She's presenting for best costume. “Geisha” won. How does Jen feel about that? Is she okay?

6:08 p.m. PST
Tin Tin comes out to present — actually it's Russell Crowe and his fakey boyish hair curl — to present nothing I guess. We're honoring the incredible achievements of people who acted in movies about real people. The crowd of predictable gays at this house party cheer for “Mommie Dearest.”

Commercials, and then Will Ferrell and Steve Carell present best makeup looking like Tammy Faye. “The Chronic” wins.

Jon Stewart makes a joke about Russell Crowe getting into fights. Cut to Nicole Kidman. Not laughing. Or maybe she IS laughing. it's hard to tell what Nicole Kidman's face is trying to tell us anymore.

Morgan Freeman, fresh from delivering tablets of wisdom from Mt. Ararat, is here to deliver the best supporting actress award. He flubs up the teleprompter. EASY READER, HOW COULD YOU?!

I want Michelle Williams to win. Or maybe Catherine Keener. I just met her recently. We're buddies now. Okay, not true. I mean, I DID meet her, but she hasn't called back yet. I keep waiting though...

That boring Rachel Weiszcscz, or however you spell it, wins. They can talk James Van Der Beek off that ledge now.

MORE FROM ACADEMY AWARDS

Academy Awards Section Front

Lee: ‘Brokeback’ wasn’t meant as statement Oscar misfire: ‘Crash’ and burn Hollywood values out of touch, poll says ‘Crash’ rides Oscar tide back into theaters Those big stars just don’t get Jon Stewart Quips from the couch: Oscar live blog How did ‘Brokeback Mountain’ lose? ‘Crash’ a surprise winner for best picture Complete list of Oscar winners Academy Awards Section Front   Add Academy Awards headlines to your news reader: