Live blogging the Oscars

I am, thankfully, nowhere near the red carpet. This is because I'm nobody. I'm in a living room in a San Fernando Valley home full of gays. TVs are on throughout the house. It's a “Brokeback Mountain”-themed party of course. There are white chocolate sheep on the dining room table. One of them has been sliced in half and decorated with blood-red icing. These are my kind of gays. I just hope I can hear the TV through all the squealing. Gays get their loud on when they watch the Oscars.

I've been here since the beginning of Ryan Seacrest and Isaac Mizrahi's red-carpet thing for E! There's a fake watching party going on behind Seacrest in a lounge at the Roosevelt Hotel. Do aspiring actors use that sort of thing for their reel? “Look that's me, standing by the faux-topiary in the tangerine dress drinking a mocktail. Ryan told me afterwards he thought I was really present.”

For the next few hours (or how ever long it takes) I will be here to give you commentary on all the goings-on at the Oscars. To receive the most current content make sure you refresh your browser. Enjoy!

4:05 p.m. PST
M. Night Shyamalan made an American Express commercial. You'll see it later tonight. Earlier Ryan Seacrest gave us all the inside scoop on the making of that commercial. After that they cut to the the Ameriquest Blimp. Then it was back to the fake party where Seacrest asked Ludacris who was the bigger fake pimp, Luda or Terrence Howard.

It was decided that Luda was the biggest fake pimp.

Next it's Naomi Watts showing up to Ryan's fake party just fake-chatting casually about the Lexus Hybrid with Seacrest, extolling its virtues. Then? A Lexus commercial. That's a funny coincidence.

Isaac Mizrahi talked to Matt Dillon but I didn't hear anything they said because the E! cameras were focused on Gary Busey as he staggered up the red carpet.

Hilary Swank and Chad Lowe are in couples counseling. I cared about that and you should too.

Tyson Beckford showed up the fake party to fake-chat with Ryan. Cut to a segment taped earlier with Tyson taking off his clothes for charity.

For a second you could actually see his junk in the white boxer briefs he stripped down to. It's always dirty when Seacrest is around. He tried to untuck an “American Idol” contestant’s shirt this week on live national television. He's jealous of Isaac's instant fondling-inspired fame.

Keira Knightley did the model hunch on the red carpet. I want every actress to try that. I want a hunch-off to break out. It won't though.

I never get my way...

Michelle Williams is going to be crucified for that awesome Kinkos No. 48 Goldenrod dress by Proenza Schouler. But she looks rad. Look, I'm right. Safe is for losers.

Now it's Ryan and Reese in couples counseling. The guy from US Weekly says, “The non-stop speculation doesn't stop!”

Tons of young ladies have Jessica Tandy hair tonight. It's the new oldness. Seacrest's hair is old tonight too. He's gone all browny. He should stay blond I think. He's already made of margarine.

4:20 p.m. PST
I'm watching Jane Seymour walk up the red carpet holding a tiny black guitar. I want her to sing "Smells Like Teen Spirit" and smash it when she's done...

Seacrest and the US Weekly are talking about Nick and Jessica's divorce. Did you know that Jamie Foxx disapproves of Nick asking for anything in the settlement? Because, you know, it's Jamie Foxx's divorce too.

It's so great that Jessica Alba has a crappy tattoo. She just told Isaac that she eats desserts. That's why you can see her sternum.

4:34 p.m. PST
Why isn't Sandra Bullock with her hot husband Jesse James? The camera's going crazy! Three shots at once! I don't know what to look at! Which empty blathering should I focus on?

Reese is getting out of the car! Now she's walking!

Sandra Bullock just had the unmitigated gall to tell Isaac that “Two Weeks Notice” was the ultimate romantic comedy.

4:50 p.m. PST
Okay, now we're moving over to the official ABC red carpet pre-show with a lot of hosts I've never seen before. I need to watch more Access Hollywood, apparently.

More and more gays are showing up to the party I'm at. Gays take the theme seriously and they're all wearing western shirts and little neck bandanas.

Okay commercials are over. Felicity Huffman is talking to that dude from MTV, whatever his name is. She's wearing Zac Posen, she just said.

MTV guy shows Felicity a reel of her “Desperate Housewives” co-stars wishing her luck. MTV dude asks Felicity what that clip meant.

She pauses a moment and the thought bubble above her head reads, "Fiction!"

Jake Gyllenhaal is over talking about The Kissing. Me too. It's acting.

Time for a clip reel about the best picture nominees. Whatever. You didn't see them.

I've been watching this crap for almost three hours now and nothing interesting has happened. I'm worried that tonight's theme is Celebrities: They're Just Like US.

4:55 p.m. PST
Okay here's blonde nutty person Jann Carl, someone I recognize. She's marveling that Sandra Bullock's dress has pockets. POCKETS!

And we're done with the most boring red carpet moments I've ever witnessed.

5:00 p.m. PST
Finally. The show. No more Billy Bush. I feel good that I had to be told who Billy Bush even was. Of course I'm soiled for life now that I DO know who he is. He is the Victory of The Null Set.

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