Oprah's New Happiness

In her renewed excitement for life, Oprah has decided that she is not only the founder of the Angel Network, she is also the head angel and it’s her duty to vocally herald her every move. Behold ,she brings you glad tidings of great joy and her favorite WILLIAMS-SONOMA CROISSAHHHNTS!!!!

She took a break from O-singing on Sex Addicts day and you could tell she was feeling a little pent up. Also, it was a show about sex. At one point Oprah actually said, “Ew, all those strange penises.” I felt bad for her, having to deal with anything that wasn’t swaddled in cashmere and butter. I knew she’d rather be trumpeting her weekend jet ride to Montecito with John TraVOLTAHHHHH!!! and I resented the Sex Addict ladies for bumming her out.

But it was her “Breakfast With Oprah” episode that really turned the tide, washing away the memories of crack-addict writers and brand instability past, a head-exploding day of unparalleled joy.

Cupcake jamboree!
It was 60 minutes of what I hope is a template for all future episodes. First up? A random moment of reminiscing about when she turned 40 (“I ran a marathon! I was 40!”) followed by thunderous applause. Then a personal phone call to a lucky viewer to bestow her with super-difficult-to-get tickets to the show. Then the angelic trumpeting of, “It’s a breakfast PARTAYYYYY!!!!” and the surprise announcement to a Chicago office full of Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms employees that they were going to be rounded up and limo’d over to Harpo Studios.

More applause, bouncing, hand-waving and shrieking. Then come the CROISSAHHHNNNTS!! The hot, flaky bread makes Oprah do a little combo jog/dance move that culminates in kooky leg side-kicks. Steadman ate five of these things on Christmas morning! Gayle spreads the Sarabeth preserves!

Next is a surprise for a woman named Tiffany, who’s called up on stage to read the teleprompter. She tries to hug Oprah and sort of succeeds, even though it looks like Oprah doesn’t dig human contact that much. And by that, I mean she looks like she might be looking for her Hermés tazer in case Tiffany gets unruly when MARY J. BLIIIIIIIIGE!!! comes out to sing “Be Without You.” Tiffany bear-hugs Mary J. and bursts into tears. Mary J. bear-hugs her right back and cries too, momentarily showing up Oprah. Oprah drags Tiffany offstage and Mary J. sings. Oprah dances and opens her mouth to sing along. It’s mind-blowing when Oprah does this because she never seems to know the words to the songs. She just goes “lalalala” and looks around to see if anyone notices.

But wait, there’s more. Here come the ATF office ladies, practically busting down the studio doors. They bounce, they scream, they wave their hands in the air like Lotto winners. And then Mary J. sings Oprah’s favorite song, “Family Affair” — in which Mary J. invents the words “hateration” and “holleration” and demands that they cease.

“It gets me crunked!” exults Oprah. I hit the eight-second repeat button on my TiVo many times over to hear her say this.

And finally, more food. Barbra Streisand, clearly miffed that Oprah outed her on a past show as having demanded a white microphone to match her outfit, has sent Oprah a box of passive-aggressive cupcakes from chichi Beverly Hills bakery Sprinkles. Everybody gets CUPCAAYYYYKES!!!!

It's Oprah's Greatest Hits, served up just the way I like them.

Then it’s over, the gloomy haze of fake memoirists banished. It’s a beautifully-lit day, the New Happiness slam-dunked into existence. And I hope it stays that way until the day comes when she’s living in the White House and painting it the color purple.

Dave White is the author of the 99% nonfiction memoir “Exile In Guyville,” and blogs at djmrswhite.livejournal.com.

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