Falling in with the wrong crowd

According to Brown and Mounts, both who study adolescents and friendships, peer influence peeks around age 14. By the time teens reach high school, they’ve developed a stronger sense of self and they’re not as desperate to fit in. So if you keep the dialogue open and if the friend truly is a negative influence, there’s a good chance your son will see it for himself and find better things to do with his time very soon. And what he does with his time could be to hang out with kids who are positive influences.

Brown says friends tend to get blamed for bad behavior but rarely get credit for the opposite. “Peers have a strong influence,” he says, “but remember that can be for the better rather than worse.”

Q: My husband and I are parents of a wonderful 4-year-old boy. He’s an only child. We recently relocated to another state. Shortly before we moved, our son started talking about his "brother." When he wants to claim he’s done something (become a cowboy, ridden a motorcycle, ridden a bull, etc.) he simply says he did it at his brother's house or when he was with his brother. At first he only spoke about his “brother” with us, but lately he's telling other people he has a brother. Others have suggested that our son is suffering because he’s an only child. Should we be concerned about this?

A: You son may be expressing a wish for a brother but next week he may also express a wish for a rocket ship or mounds of candy for breakfast. You can’t grant every wish and it may not be practical or prudent for you to run out and adopt a couple of siblings right now anyhow.

Besides, the fact that he’s an only child isn’t really the reason he’s dreamed up a big bro, says Susan Newman, a psychologist in Metuchen, N.J., and author of "Parenting an Only Child: The Joys and Challenges of Raising Your One and Only."

According to Newman, 65 percent of children by the age of 7 have some kind of fantasy friend. “That’s a huge number and that includes all children, not just only children,” she says.

Any parent would be concerned, however, with a child who makes up bizarre tales. “Pretend friends in most cases are really a coping skill," says Newman. "This is a child’s way of coping with a transition. Having a pretend friend gives young children a chance to be in charge, they can be bossy, set rules, go beyond the limits of what’s allowed. They have somebody else to blame if they break a dish.”

They can also have a pal to help them deal with a big move. In this way, the imaginary brother is a positive. He’s helping your son adjust. That doesn’t mean you play into it, though. “Don’t fill a cereal bowl for your ‘older son’ but also don’t make a huge effort to stop it. In time, the friend will disappear,” says Newman.

If you’re feeling guilt about deciding to have one child, keep this in mind: Single children families are the fastest growing family dynamic in the United States and in most industrialized Western European countries, says Carolyn White, editor-in-chief of Only Child magazine and author of "The Seven Common Sins of Parenting an Only Child."

“So much of raising a healthy, confident, spirited, well-socialized child has to do with how you are as a parent, not whether there are siblings or not,” says White. In fact, singleness only becomes an issue if parents are overprotective, overindulgent or don’t socialize their children early.

What about your embarrassment when your son tells others of the imaginary brother, though? Newman says it’s time to call up your sense of humor. Some kids will have as many as a dozen pretend friends. Just imagine how crazy you’d be if you had a houseful of real kids each with a menagerie of made-up friends and siblings!

Victoria Clayton is a freelance writer based in California and co-author of "Fearless Pregnancy: Wisdom and Reassurance from a Doctor, a Midwife and a Mom," published by Fair Winds Press.

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