Falling in with the wrong crowd

Victoria Clayton • E-mail

What should you do when your child is hanging out with trouble-makers? And are only children at a disadvantage? Growing Up Healthy answers your queries. Have a question about children's health and well-being? E-mail the author. We’ll post select answers in future columns.

Q: My 14-year-old son is constantly getting in trouble at school with a new friend. Before that friend came along he was always so good. What should I do?

A: Seems silly to mention, but first you have to realize that sometimes our perspectives might be a bit tainted when it comes to our children.

“We tend to see ‘badness’ in others families, corporations, countries and not in our own. That’s a wonderful human — if not American — trait,” says Bradford Brown, a professor of human development in the department of psychology at the University of Wisconsin in Madison. “But teens do select friends. They’re not just simply influenced by their friends. They’re instrumental in deciding who to hang around.”

Long answer short, maybe you didn't realize it, but if your son has befriended a trouble-maker, there were likely problems brewing before the friend ever came into the picture.

The most important issue now, though, is what to do. Or, rather, what not to do. Unless you have reason to believe your son’s activities are extremely dangerous, it’s probably wise not to forbid him from seeing the friend.

“This is an extreme measure and taking it means you run the risk of it back-firing; it could make the friend even more attractive,” warns Nina Mounts, an assistant professor of psychology at Northern Illinois University in DeKalb.

Some parents are also tempted to force their kids to change schools to get away from a “bad” crowd. This tack only works if the teen also wants a fresh start. If not, he or she will simply find another negative crew.

Before you really do anything, sit down and try to have a calm discussion about what’s happening. The point is that you want to find out what’s going on with your son that’s driving him to hang out with a negative kid.

“This is really challenging,” says Brown. “Parents have a vested interest and the teen often gets defensive.” But try to get the ball rolling by saying something like, "I’m concerned about what I see. I don’t understand what you’re doing and why."

"Start with the issue rather than the friend, though,” recommends Brown. “Talk about what you expect as a parent and why your expectations aren’t being met.” For example, if your son isn’t turning in homework, talk about how you expect him to do well in school.

“If that doesn’t get you anywhere, then I’d move to the friend,” he says. Be honest with your son. Tell him that you’ve noticed changes since he started hanging around the friend. “If there are some particulars about the friend’s behavior, it’s good to be fairly honest with that,” he says.

After you have the talk, wait. Brown says it’s not uncommon for teens to tell their parents they’re crazy or that they’re not listening, but if you give them time to cool off and process what you’ve said, they often end up making reasonable decisions.

And, believe it or not, many kids welcome help dealing with their friends even during the teen years and beyond. “A significant number of parents believe that once a child reaches adolescence he knows enough to make his own decisions or that the peer group takes over. But that’s not necessarily true,” says Mounts.

Research has found that teens still want and need their parents to help. “Parents can be a counselor in friendships. They can help talk to their kids about how they might work through and maintain friendships and the consequences of hanging around certain people,” says Mounts.

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