Worried about your kids? It’s okay to snoop

Decide when you must take action. Although the goal is to trust and respect your child’s choices, possessions, and activities, the line is crossed when the kid ventures into behaviors that are either dangerous physically or emotionally, or when illegal actions are being contemplated. These are important areas and cannot be overlooked. Your parental obligations are to provide, guide, and protect. If your child is placing herself in harm’s way, you must intervene. And that may involve some serious snooping. What might trigger immediate action?

• Doing or dealing drugs
• Drinking alcohol or huffing inhalants
• Sneaking out and joyriding in Dad’s car
• Running away from home as a solution to family squabbles or as a reaction to being grounded for missing curfew
• Skipping school or classes
• Chatting on the Internet with strangers, especially if personal meetings are suggested

These are the types of significant and important issues that need to be addressed — when the kid has provided evidence that something dangerous or illegal is happening or about to occur. As a concerned parent, you must intervene. But before you dig through the dresser drawers, check for the journal under the mattress, or explore the depths of your son’s book bag, it’s important to confront the child directly, giving him the option of ’fessing up before you use surreptitious investigative tactics.

Use above-board communication to deal with the issue. If you get wind that Junior is using drugs, you must do something about it. Although some kids can “experiment” with substances, decide that it’s a stupid idea, and move on, many get in over their heads. As a mom and a psychologist, I take a very dim view of child substance use and suggest that other parents do the same (as discussed in Law #8: The Law of Abstinence). Confront your child with your evidence and concerns but don’t expect an immediate confession. If you find yourself getting nowhere in the discussion, drop the debate and take the kid to the pediatrician’s office for a drug screen (kicking and screaming if need be). He will be less than thrilled with the idea and with you, but at least you’re being honest and direct with him, even though he’s been sneaky and deceptive with you.

Trust your gut instinct. If your middle schooler, for instance, starts acting sketchy about school and you get that feeling that something just isn’t right (plus your best friend saw the kid hanging around the convenience store at lunchtime), ask him if he’s been skipping and allow him the opportunity to salvage your trust. If he ’fesses up, there should be a consequence given, plus a failsafe school-attendance system instituted to make sure that he doesn’t play hooky again. If he is still in denial mode, check with the school attendance officer to get the facts (whether your child wants you to or not — remember, he started this!). Then either apologize for your error if you are wrong or institute the negative consequence if the kid has been skipping school.

Protect your child. Staying on top of your child’s behavior may be tough, but try to keep the communication open, especially when you suspect that something is awry. If you continue to receive denials, counterattacks, or red-herring attempts to sidetrack you from the issue (be it sneaking out, drugs, skipping school, dating without permission), and direct discussion with your kid isn’t working, you may need to be sneaky yourself. Hey, you’ve given the kid fair warning, and he is continuing his involvement in dangerous, illegal, or highly inappropriate activities. Remember, sometimes we have to protect our children even from themselves.

From “Laying Down the Law: The 25 Laws of Parenting to Keep Your Kids on Track, Out of Trouble, and (Pretty Much) Under Control,” by Dr. Ruth Peters. Copyright ©2002 by Dr. Ruth Peters. Excerpted by permission of Rodale. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.

Dr. Peters is a clinical psychologist and regular contributor to “Today.” For more information you can visit her Web site at www.ruthpeters.com. Copyright ©2006 by Ruth A. Peters, Ph.D. All rights reserved.

PLEASE NOTE: The information in this column should not be construed as providing specific psychological or medical advice, but rather to offer readers information to better understand the lives and health of themselves and their children. It is not intended to provide an alternative to professional treatment or to replace the services of a physician, psychiatrist or psychotherapist.

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