Double perfection, lots of padding on ‘Dancing’

It’s official: the 90-minute weekly editions of “Dancing With The Stars” (ABC, Thursdays, 8 p.m. ET) are intolerably long. We are down to five couples. The dances aren’t more than two minutes. That means that of the 90 minutes, about 10 are spent on the dances people tune in to see. That is not very much dancing, and it’s a whole lot of everything else.

The “everything else” this week included the staff of professionals demonstrating all the dances that would be done during the show. While it’s fun to see the pros dance, these dances have been illustrated before. The answer to all this is simple: Make the show shorter.

The show was 10 minutes in before things got underway with Jerry Rice and his partner, Anna. They didn’t like their scores for last week’s samba and were looking to rebound with the paso doble. But as lovable as Jerry is, and as endearing as it was to see him rehearsing while attending the Super Bowl, he was in over his head with the paso doble. His posture has improved dramatically since the early part of the season, but his steps didn’t have enough snap. There is stomping in the paso doble, and Jerry didn’t seem quite up to it. While the judges had kind words for his effort, he repeated his poor scores from last week. And this time, he didn’t seem all that surprised.

Drew and Cheryl came next with a tango. Their rehearsal footage was also football-oriented, as Cheryl refused to let Drew frolic with his wife and brother (Nick Lachey, who knows a little something about being trapped in an awkward TV couple) until he finished his homework.

Drew and Cheryl’s most charming moment of the week came when Drew complained that it was unfair that the judges constantly nagged him about hunching his shoulders up. He insisted that he didn’t have hunched shoulders — just a short neck. Cheryl was having none of it, and after trying to duplicate his hunch in the mirror, she told him two things — “Pull them back. Then down.” And that was the magic formula by which Drew got his shoulders down. Or possibly grew a longer neck.

Their tango was sexy, slithering, and marvelous. Drew is the only celebrity man the show has perhaps ever had who looks like he’s leading rather than watching his partner flail and flourish the way poor Ashly used to with Master P. Drew and Cheryl were thrilled to get three perfect 10s, a week after Stacy and Tony did the same.

George Hamilton, emphasis on the ‘ham’
Next up was George Hamilton, who fretted in rehearsal that the rumba might not be “masculine” enough. Countless female fans were sent into fits of lust when Edyta brought in Alec, who paired with eventual winner Kelly Monaco last season, to teach George a little something about masculinity. Alec tried to teach George to dance with his hips, while George continued clowning.

Their rumba, while campy in the way George reliably delivers, offered little dancing. George looked very much like he was just doing whatever he felt like doing, choreography or no. He rarely offers moves you couldn’t see by getting a bank president drunk at a holiday party.

The judges fawned as usual — at least Carrie Ann, who didn’t fault the routine even though she admitted that “there could have been a little more dancing,” and Bruno, who seems to have lost all judgment on the subject of George. Len was kind enough to point out for once that George isn’t dancing most of the time, although his statement that Edyta was “flatulating around” likely raised a few eyebrows among etymologists.

MORE FROM DANCING WITH THE STARS

Donny claims ‘Dancing’ crown

Donny claims ‘Dancing’ crown Mya, Donny reach perfection in ‘Dancing’ final One couple out, three head to ‘Dancing’ finals Whitney to sing on ‘DWTS’ finale Mya scores another perfect 10 ‘Dancing’ ‘Dancing’ bids farewell to another star ‘Dancing’ does time warp with themed dances Two more couples get the boot on ‘Dancing’ Aaron Carter shines on ‘Dancing With the Stars’ Two couples leave on ‘Dancing With the Stars’   Add Dancing with the Stars headlines to your news reader: