Love life stalled? Tips to rev up your sex drive

In the February issue of Prevention, Amy Spencer profiles couples desperately seeking a boost to their libidos. The couples were put in contact with educators, therapists and doctors from around the country who coached them on how to make practical improvements for a fun, thrilling charge to their sex lives. Rosemary Ellis, editorial director of Prevention, visited “Today” to discuss the article. Here's an excerpt:

Sex Drive Makeovers
Prevention sent four couples to the country’s top sex experts to recharge their libidos — in a week.

It’s a cliché that hot sex always cools down, especially in the marriage bed. Unfortunately, it’s often true. “Low sexual desire is the most common sexual complaint among couples, affecting 30 percent of American women,” says Laura Berman, PhD, founder of the Berman Center in Chicago, a clinic devoted to women’s sexual issues. But that doesn’t mean you have to give up on sex — or your libido. And for your health’s sake, you shouldn’t, because the health benefits of physical closeness are real (see “How Love Keeps You Healthy,” p. 164). So if you’re among the one-third of U.S. couples suffering from low sexual drive or desire — yours or his — read on. Prevention put the country’s top sex experts to the ultimate challenge: Help four cooled-off couples rekindle their sex lives — in a week. Did they succeed? Indeed. These couples are all reporting more action in the bedroom and working on greater intimacy. See what worked for them; then, do try this at home.

Cara Birrittieri, 46, and Jackson Smith, 37
Medfield, MA
Married 7 years; 2 children, ages 1-1/2 and 6

The problem
“We used to have a great sex life,” says Cara, a media consultant who married Jackson in 1999 and gave birth to their first child, a son, at the age of 41. But a year later, when they decided to try for their second child, infertility got in the way. Jackson’s job as the chief mate on an oil exploration ship meant he was away two weeks a month; he wanted to come home and make love when the mood hit him. “But romance was not my priority,” says Cara, who later wrote “What Every Woman Should Know About Fertility and Her Biological Clock.” And Jackson knew it. “Sex had become like a circus act,” he says, “and I was the dancing bear.” Says Cara: “He’d tell me sex felt like a job. Then I’d cry and tell him he didn’t love me.” The couple finally had a daughter, using a donated egg in 2004, but Jackson has never recovered from trying to perform on demand. “We’re emotionally distraught,” says Cara. “We really want our sex life back,” adds her husband.

Their “sexpert”
Laura Berman, PhD, founder of the Berman Center.

Sex Rx
“Cara and Jackson’s fertility struggles made sex a means to an end,” says Berman. “It became a source of frustration and argument.” Berman also diagnosed low testosterone in Cara. “She had all the signs: low genital sensation, difficulty responding sexually, and low libido.” She measured Cara’s hormone levels and suggested she try hormone therapy.

Meanwhile — though it may sound counterintuitive, given the couple’s history — Berman advised them to schedule sex. “Cara and Jackson have two kids and days that are jam-packed,” says the doc. “Time with each other is the first thing to go.” Once they’d made time, Berman recommended the “sensate focus” technique, which involves giving each other pleasure — without intercourse. “I wanted them to rediscover each other and get back in touch with their sensuality.”

Sex-cess
“When Dr. Berman recommended scheduling sex, we were like, ‘Aargh!’ ” says Jackson. “We wanted sex to feel more spontaneous — not less.” Their compromise was to plan dates, not sex, but have the babysitter come at 5 pm. “We knew this way we’d get home early — with plenty of energy left over.”

They wanted to hear live music one night, but at the last minute, Jackson suggested dinner instead. “It had been so long since we’d had time to ourselves, it seemed a waste to spend it listening to music.” Having a long period to talk was a good start. “We unloaded about kids and work, which led to a real sense of togetherness,” says Cara. “That’s when those sexual thoughts rolled in,” says Jackson. “I remember thinking — then saying — I’d rather be home in the sack.”

As for the sensate focus technique: “We loved it!” says Cara. “We could enjoy each other more when we weren’t focused on the home run.” Adds Jackson, “It wasn’t ‘Wham, bam, thank you ma’am.’ It had the intimacy we’d lost.”

Cara still plans to try hormone therapy, but for now, she says she feels more aroused simply thinking about sex all the time. “I’ll look at him and know he’s thinking about it, too. It’s nice to share a secret like that again.”

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