TV’s best and worst couples

Worst Mental Image:
Paula and Simon, ‘American Idol’
Most unappealing when they’re: Breaking the hearts of bad singers. Okay, Paula and Simon aren’t a real couple. But “American Idol” bases as much of its dynamics on the relationship between them as many dramas do on core characters. Every season starts the same way: Simon is mean, Paula takes exception, Paula tries to soften some of the blows, Simon makes fun of her. He mocks a woman’s weight; she scolds him. She swoons over some young man; he ridicules her. It stopped being interesting somewhere around the time the show faked up a nauseating fantasy sequence in which they kissed — a shot that has reappeared over and over in defiance of the quantities of Pepto-Bismol it requires one to ingest. Seeing her behave like an ineffectual scold while he haughtily dismisses her has gone from irritating to boring and mechanical.

Worst Multiple-Choice Question:
Veronica and Everyone, ‘Veronica Mars’
Most unappealing when they’re: Inexplicably together. The thing about Veronica is that she’s a smart girl. Flawed, sure, but overall, a smart girl. And while it’s not unrealistic for a smart girl to be stupid about her own relationships, Veronica’s romantic choices border on the inexplicable. The recently departed Duncan was a beefy dullard, clearly undeserving of his status as the great love of Veronica’s teenage years. As for Logan, the less said, the better. Veronica would tell any other girl her own age to stay far away from a freak with a personality disorder who would smash her car with a crowbar. She is the last character anyone would expect to perpetuate the myth that psycho behavior in men is romantic or poetic, as opposed to just psycho. Veronica is in desperate need of a decent boyfriend. It shouldn’t be that difficult for such a clever girl to do a better job of securing someone moderately sane without settling for someone boring.

Worst Foregone Conclusion:
Ross and Rachel, ‘Friends’
Most unappealing when they’re: Still hanging on after 10 fruitless years. Not a popular opinion, perhaps, but the conviction that Ross and Rachel were a terrible couple is supported by the fact that for a decade, they made each other really, really unhappy. At that point, it’s time to cut your losses. The feelings they supposedly continued to have for each other mostly emerged in the form of jealousy over each other’s new relationships. The show forced them together in the series’ last few episodes as a sop to longtime fans who couldn’t stand not to see them reunited, but it’s easy to see in their relationship every pointless, endless, circular drama in which your friends have ever ensnared you. People who can’t make it work after, say, five years should break up.

Worst Waste Of Chemistry:
Luke and Lorelai, ‘Gilmore Girls’
Most unappealing when they’re: Lying. This is a heartbreaker, because at times, Luke and Lorelai’s palpable chemistry and spark has been part of a very good show’s central dynamics. But the decision to give Luke a secret long-lost daughter was disastrously poisonous to the airy joy of their relationship, and having him keep the secret from Lorelai for months was even worse. What once was primarily an abiding friendship now looks like it doesn’t even encompass trust, and that’s just not very romantic.

Linda Holmes is a writer in Bloomington, Minn.

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