‘Idol’ hopefuls leave Simon in a fog

"American Idol" has always been about the judges, especially in the audition rounds.

Some people tune in for a sneak peek at the contenders, but it's too early to vote. Most want to see the train wrecks, but bad singing can be seen every night in karaoke bars throughout the nation and 30 million people don't head out to listen to that on Tuesday and Wednesday nights.

The fact is that Fox didn't just sign Simon Cowell to a long-term contract so the judges could meekly hold up numerical grades like they were scoring a figure-skating routine. At this point, with no allegiances yet to any of the contestants, a large part of the audience for "Idol" tunes in to hear what the judges have to say, either to the singers or to each other.

The snarkier the comments, the better.

The judges' days during the auditions are much like being in the back seat of a car during a very long, boring road trip. They're trapped uncomfortably close to each other for extended periods, without much to do besides listen to music and make snide comments about the singers.

When the radio station is bad and the music can't be changed, any parent can guess what follows. The people in the back pick and pick and pick at each other until someone finally snaps. Midway though the San Francisco auditions, it was time for the semi-annual made-up-for-TV feud, with Paula and Randy on one side and Simon on the other.

Shawna White, a 16-year-old girl with a nice voice but no chance of winning, made it through to the next round despite Simon's strong objections. This started a theme that would continue through the rest of the auditions, with Paula and Randy loudly wondering if Simon needed to get his ears checked.

Simon then voted against Jayne Santayana, but assured her, "That's all right. Beethoven and Mozart are going to put you through." He was right.

"What are you hearing today? Is there a different radio playing in your head," Paula asked Simon, a line mostly memorable in that it likely inspired the most off-the-cuff jokes from viewers who have often wondered the same thing about Paula.

Poor Deborah Dawn Tilley then became the final flashpoint. A 27-year-old woman who looked 40 somehow sparked an argument regarding Clay Aiken's looks. With Paula voting yes and Randy no, Simon was in charge of breaking the tie.

Simon responded by saying that he almost needed to hear her sing with his eyes closed, so he wouldn't have to look at her. Paula snidely remarked that he had said the same thing about Clay Aiken, and the whole thing devolved into an argument of whether or not Paula had been there when the remark was made, one of those riveting discussions that maybe six people would be interested if it were held in any setting except on national television.

I lost my pitch ... in San Francisco
After Simon gave his usual no vote to Tilley, the argument continued until Simon flipped his pen on the table and stalked off. He didn't turn that car around, but he did get into his limo and head back to the hotel, leaving the other two judges to hear the last few contestants without him.

Host Ryan Seacrest summed up the fracas by admitting that Randy and Paula had been "going after him all day long." But it's equally possible that Simon was just sick of the auditions and had an early reservation at Fisherman's Wharf. Judging from recent history, it's not like he missed much by leaving early anyway.

It was the third season in a row the auditions came to San Francisco, with the most notable finds there being La Toya London, Nadia Turner and William Hung. The former two were early favorites voted off sooner than expected, while the latter went from a truly awful audition direct to record albums, videos, and a firm spot on the D-list celebrity walk of fame.

With that kind of track record, it's not surprising the city only got one day's worth of auditions. Greensboro, N.C., may not have San Francisco's tourist attractions or restaurants, but the voices there were generally better.

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