Alternative to what?

The “alternative” Grammy can also be a case of too little, too late. Take, the Replacements. Aptly called “The Last Best Band of the ’80s” by “Musician” magazine, the Minnesota ‘Mats were the type of band “alternative” originally described. Unfortunately, when the group received its only Grammy nomination in 1991 (the “alternative” category’s debut), it was for “All Shook Down,” the first lame LP the Replacements recorded, and the beginning of their end.

Surprisingly, Grammy was dead on the money in 1992 when Nirvana’s “Nevermind” received an “alternative” nomination. Still, no one was shocked when tired old REM. won for “Out of Time.” Nominated again in 1994 for the genre-blasting “In Utero,” Nirvana lost to stadium superheroes U2. In typical Grammy fashion, amends were attempted posthumously when Nirvana won for “MTV Unplugged in New York” in 1996. Pitted against Nirvana drummer Dave Grohl’s new outfit, Foo Fighters, the right band won for the wrong release. Kurt Cobain was dead, Nirvana was over, and “Nevermind” was the LP that blew everything apart.

While “alternative” Grammy eventually rewards many of its repeat nominees, it’s a ghetto for female artists. In the category’s debut year, Sinead O’Connor deservedly won for “I Do Not Want What I Haven’t Got.” Since then, few female artists have been nominated and none have won — unless you count Meg White, drummer for White Stripes, which won for “Elephant” in 2004. (Though arguably, Meg’s the more expendable member of that duo.) Hardworking Tori Amos, like Beck and Radiohead, has five nominations. The talented P.J. Harvey has three, as does the unique and unnerving Iceland diva, Bjork. But not a single win among them.

Maybe these gals need to get themselves on a prime-time teen soap. If “The O.C.” hadn’t rescued Cutie from cult obscurity, it’s doubtful Grammy would have noticed. Back in the day, REM’s “Out of Time” was no stranger to “Beverly Hills 90210.” Remember when Dylan, devastated by his breakup with Brenda, kept played the single “Losing My Religion” on the Peach Pit juke box?

Beck — he doesn’t need the street cred. But if Death Cab for Cutie’s other “alternative” nominees, Arcade Fire, Franz Ferdinand (also nominated in 2005) and even The White Stripes know what’s good for them, they’ll get “One Tree Hill” on the horn.

New York writer and admitted music snob Helen A.S. Popkin was a huge fan of Kelly Clarkson … before she sold out.

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