Kiss Kiss, Dumb Dumb

Paraphrasing Olaf, glad and big
That’s the bad news. Here’s the good news.

On July 15, two films, “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” (83 percent) and “Wedding Crashers” (74 percent), were released to critical acclaim and finished first and second at the box office. A week later two crappy pictures, “The Island” (40 percent) and “The Bad News Bears” (47 percent), were released; “Charlie” and “Crashers” finished first and second  at the box office. A week later two more crappy pictures, “Stealth” (13 percent) and “Must Love Dogs” (36 percent) were released; “Crashers” and “Charlie” finished first and second  at the box office. That’s almost enough to restore my faith in movie audiences.

Then there’s this: Of all the pictures that opened very wide (3,000 or more theaters), the one with the smallest per-screen average on opening weekend was the worst: “Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo”: a 10 percent tomato rating and $3,100 per screen. Films that merely opened wide (1,000 or more theaters) and couldn’t draw either were also the crappy ones: “Alone in the Dark” (1 percent; $1,300), “Supercross: The Movie” (4 percent; $800), and “Undiscovered” (7 percent; $500). To paraphrase Olaf, glad and big, from e.e. cummings’ poem: There is some s--t we will not eat.

Finally: Remember those 17 super-rotten films (less than 10 percent) and 13 super-fresh films (more than 90 percent)? Well, of the 15 super-rotten films that went wide, none, thus far, have managed to earn $100 million at the worldwide box office. But of the three super-fresh films that went wide, all of them (“Kung Fu Hustle,” “March of the Penguins” and “Wallace and Gromit: Curse of the Were-Rabbit”) have already earned $100 million.

So sometimes quality pays.

Chix flix nix Rob Schneider
In the end the good news may relate to the bad. Initial reports indicate that it’s teenage boys who aren’t showing up at theaters as much, which is probably part of the reason “Deuce” and “Stealth” and “Island” did poorly. As teenage boys drop out, the audience gets smarter. I can live with that.

Besides, Hollywood execs may not know this, but there’s an entire other gender out there. What’s the most popular film of all time when you adjust for inflation? “Gone With The Wind.” What’s third? “The Sound of Music.” And the most popular film if you don’t adjust for inflation? “Titanic.” What do these three movies have in common? Beyond the “chick flick” designation, they all feature women (bitchy, virginal, feisty) who must choose between men (Rhett and Ashley, Capt. von Trapp and God, Leo and Billy Z.) against a backdrop of historical horror (U.S. Civil War, Anschluss, the sinking of the Titanic).

Box office numbers may be down, in other words, but there’s still money to be made if the right movies are made. After all, tomorrow is another day.

As a teenager with a flashlight in the early 1980s, Erik Lundegaard policed the Boulevard Theater in Minneapolis. It’s now a Hollywood Video. He can be reached at:

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