Can anyone really heal from a bad childhood?

Connor, an eleven-year-old boy, is “having a little dad problem.” It seems that his mom and dad have been divorced for as long as he could remember (since he was four), and every time he sees his dad and then has to leave, it causes him so much pain.

Connor: I just can't bear to see him leave anymore. Even if that means I can't even see him again.

Dr. Laura: Connor, do you like spaghetti?

Connor: What does that have to do with the topic? [Good question, actually.]

Dr. Laura: Well, do you like spaghetti?

Connor: Yeah, why?

Dr. Laura: Do you like spaghetti and meatballs?

Connor: [getting impatient] Yeah.

Dr. Laura. I love spaghetti and meatballs. It's probably one of my favorite meals. What you are telling me, Connor, is that since I can only have two meatballs, and I can't have the three that I want, that I might just as well not eat any spaghetti and meatballs at all!

Connor: But I just can't take seeing him leave anymore.

Dr. Laura: It's the price you pay. And everything has a price attached to it, Connor. You want to see your dad? The price you have to pay is that it hurts when he goes. But the good part is that you get to see him. I pump iron. I can't say I love to do it, but I do it because it is the price to pay to be healthy and look good. I like having muscles! Everything has a price. For everything you really want, there's something you have to put up with.

Connor: Thank you, Dr. Laura

In speaking to Samantha and Connor, I had the opportunity to reframe a bad situation into a life lesson. Samantha learned about not ignoring the blessings (loving, caretaking grandparents) because of the curses (parental abandonment). Connor learned that life generally exacts a price (like painful goodbyes) for those things that are desired and meaningful (visitation with Dad).

Children need to learn at an early age that these lessons are universal experiences, not just their personal, unique, horrible cross to bear. It is easier for children to cope with difficult, even horrendous situations when they understand and accept that the advice they are getting is truths about life for all time and all people — not just an attempt to manipulate them out of justified hurt or angry feelings. While these are truths about a good life for all people, they are essential lessons for these victimized children.

As children get older, their ability to act out their hurt and anger with drugs, sex, truancy, and violence toward themselves or others becomes a serious concern. That is why it is so desperately important that these youngsters have someone they can turn to and count on. A mentor, family friend ...

Excerpted from “Bad Childhood — Good Life: How to Blossom and Thrive in Spite of an Unhappy Childhood” by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. Copyright © 2006, Dr. Laura Schlessinger All rights reserved. Published by HarperCollins Publishers. No part of this excerpt can be used without permission of the publisher.

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