The resolutions of the rich and famous

Name: Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey
Resolved: Well, the Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz clone idea didn’t work, so for 2006, we’re moving on to Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton.

Jeff Christensen / AP It's all fun and games until someone breaks into the "Best Little Whorehouse in Texas" costume collection.

Is it possible to be divorced before you marry? Proving that love is not only blind, but deaf, dumb and incapable of telling tuna from chicken, America’s favorite couple called it quits in 2006, catching everyone by surprise except for Nick, who spent most of the marriage impersonating Jim Stockdale’s 1992 vice-presidential debate performance.

One can forgive Mr. Lachey if he feels shortchanged, given his virginal love’s famous pledge of “Give me abstinence or give me death!” Vowing to keep the apples on the tree was good enough to get her a blue-ribbon trip to the 2001 Presidential inauguration ball, but for poor Nick it was mostly just a lengthy period of feeling blue.

Hollywood is not the first place marriage counselors send their difficult clients, so Nick and Jessica were asking for it when they signed up to flaunt their love to America each week.

Slide show    From 'Newlyweds' to 'Hazzard' See how Jessica Simpson has shot to stardom. more photos

The wacky-wife-and-nonplussed-slow-burning-hubby schtick worked for Lucy and Desi, but everyone knew where the brains hid in that family. On “Newlyweds,” the brains were hidden better than Saddam’s nuclear weapons, which essentially left the audience with a 45-minute prayer for Bob Eubanks to show up with wacky places to make whoopee. One imagines Nick had ample time to compile a list.

Does America now have “Divorcees” to look forward to? With Jessica riding off into the movie-star sunset with some good ol’ boys and shorts suitable for a Brazilian beach, we think not — even if we all want to see Jessica ponder why Nick’s lawyer keeps talking about “pre-nup” when she knows for a fact that those artistic nudes she took back in the late 1990s have nothing to do with marriage.

Our advice to Nick: Avoid the tuna. You’ll have much better luck if you stick with the chicken. —I.F.

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