The resolutions of the rich and famous

Name: Paris Hilton
Resolved: To release more sex videos on the Internet because honestly, getting engaged to a wacked-out pretty boy only works for Katie Holmes’ PR department these days.

It’s been a hard-working year for America’s celebutante, but who said being famous solely for, well, being famous was easy? With "Love Boat" and "Fantasy Island" off the air for decades now, no-talent stars are forced to either slum their way through the reality-TV casting hot tub or come up with an endless stream of scandal.

Chris Jackson / Getty Images Paris à deux: Why remember two names when you can remember just one?

Poor Paris Hilton spent much of this year pining for the good old days of celebrity life, when a grainy video of you doing your best impersonation of Alex de Large in "Clockwork Orange" while mugging shamelessly for the camera provided a lifetime of notoriety. No more. If you want to keep up with the tabloids nowadays, you need more than a bad night-vision march to notoriety with your own embedded journalist.

Her life being far from simple, Paris the Heiress suffered mightily through 2005, enduring some spirit-crushing tribulations. First she suffered the embarrassment of having her phone address book published online along with a number of photos, including some topless shots. Then her longtime friendship with Nicole Richie fizzled. Proving that her life is just one long, drawn-out double-entendre, Paris recovered her dignity by lathering up a car and herself in ads for Carl’s Jr.

Finally, demonstrating narcissism as the ultimate form of self-flattery, Paris was engaged to a rich little mirror image of herself conveniently named ... Paris. (Don’t need new towels!) To everyone’s surprise, the engagement was called off a few months later no doubt because poor Paris (our Paris) could not stand the misery of hauling that 24-carat diamond ring around.

Slideshow   Ooo la la! It’s Paris! The highs and lows of trés jolie media darling Paris Hilton’s life. more photos

For 2006, Paris faces the daunting task of upstaging her past antics in a world consumed with knowing whether John O’Hurley can really dance. But if someone in Hollywood can stoop to the occasion with a little shock and awe of her own, smart money is on Paris.

Give her a camcorder and an Internet connection. Then stand back. The problems of the world may not amount to a hill of beans, but we’ll always have Paris. And that’s hot. —Ian Ferrell

Writer Ian Ferrell writes from a state of bitterness that he’ll never guest star with Charo on “The Love Boat.”

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