Sexy gifts for your sweetie

Brian Alexander • E-mail

Here we are once again in prime holiday shopping season, that time of year we consumers decide if the American economy will survive another 12 months. But this year, instead of forking over all your money for video games, clothes and jewelry, you may wish to save some credit limit to give somebody some real pleasure.

Take the ubiquitous iPod. An entire industry has popped up around this thing. You can buy little speakers for it, docking bays — you can even buy a BMW to wrap around it.

But this being Sexploration, we’re most interested in the Audi-Oh, a device that puts the true meaning back into aural stimulation. The Audi-Oh uses either environmental sound or direct input from an iPod (or any MP3 player) to translate sound waves to a strap-on vibrator.

The possibilities boggle the mind. If you’ve been trying to get your wife to appreciate Wagner’s “Flight of the Valkyries” or maybe your old copy of Iron Butterfly’s 17-minute heavy-metal marathon “In-A-Gada-Da-Vida,” this could be just the ticket.

Audi-oh.com The Audi-Oh

And as Paul E. of Pittsburgh (real? who knows) comments on the Audi-Oh Web site, “My wife doesn't complain about my band practicing in the house any more! You guys rock!”

Dude!

On the other hand, you do risk her deepening involvement with that hunky country singer Keith Urban. “He really touches me,” just might become more cliteral. Err … I mean literal.

Bespoke vibrators
Those of you who hang with the yacht-in-Cannes set may be interested in a company called Mi-Su which sells “sexual aesthetics” (that's "pretty sex toys" to the rest of us).

For the small price of about 1,300 British pounds — or roughly $2,200 — you can purchase a titanium dildo inlaid with crystals. Diamonds are available, too. If you want to really get all Savile Row, Mi-Su will create bespoke toys according to your specifications.

Arrivistes might prefer the somewhat less expensive Lelo Yva. It’s gold-plated and a bargain at 1,050 euros. According to the Lelo USA Web site, the Yva is “a perfect accessory for that dressy but boring party.” Yes, quite.

Nite Time Toys I Rub My Duckie

Actually, Lelo does make less expensive vibrators starting at about $75. Like the pricey ones, they have the advantage of being rechargeable and beautifully curved, like an abstract sculpture, to fit in the palm of your hand.

If you want go stocking-stuffer cheap, try a rubber ducky, for about $18. The I Rub My Duckie looks just like regular rubber ducks and even floats. But it makes bath time so much fun.

Don’t forget the boys
Toys for boys can be tough to find. I mean no guy really prefers a blow-up doll. So how about showing him how you really feel with the CB-3000 male chastity belt, the perfect gift for naughty boys everywhere. The CB-3000, which sells for about $170, is a penis-shaped polycarbonate cage designed to cover his joystick. A harness is wrapped under his scrotum and locked into the cage with a keyed padlock. You keep the key and let that bad boy out only if he promises to be good.

By the way, you might want to remove the lock before going through airport security. We’d hate to have those TSA folks lose focus. 

One Web site selling this device included some customer reviews, like the one from a man in Louisiana who wears it because “my wife agreed that the one who makes the most money in the family should be the most dominant and the other should be the underling ... I work at Wal-Mart and she is a doctor, you do the math.”

Isn’t true love grand?

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